


Hide And Seek Envy

by rexcaliburechoes



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, pulling out all the stops on the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 01:16:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexcaliburechoes/pseuds/rexcaliburechoes
Summary: A look into Jakob's past.





	Hide And Seek Envy

_Pulling pranks with a straight face,  
_ _Using tears while making my excuses_

Joker sighed. Another day in this hellhole. He was lucky that the Northern Fortress took in orphans, but somehow, he didn't feel as lucky as he should. As he lay on his bed, he remembered his old life, his mother, and his father.

_"You bitch! You created him! He's your problem, not mine!"_

He had heard the shouts and arguments from the main room from his bedroom. He decided to put it out of his mind in favor of getting some rest. As he fell back onto the moldy mattress, he tugged at his matted hair. Giving up on removing the knots, he curled up and tried to sleep.

_It's so lonely, I wanna play around,  
_ _Syrupy like honey._

The next day, he was jolted awake out of a deep, dreamless sleep by his drunk father.

"Get up, you mutt." He hissed.

"Yes, father." Joker mumbled.

"And make us some food. It'd better be perfect." Joker knew better than to argue with his father, lest he was beaten. As he left his room, he saw some of the other kids playing outside through a somewhat clean window. He desperately wanted to join in their game, but he was smacked by his father. He flinched as the belt cracked against his back.

"Move it!" The older man snarled.

"Y-yes, father,"

_To you, and even you,_  
_To be blunt, I'm not really needed  
_ _In this world, right?_

He was sent to bed on an empty stomach. He knew that he should be grateful that his parents had the mercy to not punish him even more, but he couldn't bring himself to. He curled up in a ball on his bed, reflecting on the beginning of his life that he could remember.

_"He's the one that causes all of our fucking problems! You caused the accident to happen!"_

_"Just dump him, them! He'll die sooner or later! He's not my problem!"_

All of these comments struck him harder than any punishment that his parents had ever dolled out at him.

" _Joker!_ " His father roared. The small child flinched and tried to hide behind the wall. His father grabbed him by his hair and dragged him into the main room. Joker whined piteously, but he was already resigned to what fate lay before him now.

_That festival seems pretty fun..._

_'At least they didn't touch my face.'_ Joker thought miserably.  _Maybe I'll sneak out to the festival tonight..._

The small boy slipped out of bed and lifted his small window. he had but his long, silver hair in a braided ponytail, which was the best that he could do to look presentable. His grey and black clothes were patched up to the best of his ability. He slipped closer to the festival and was hit by the sheer energy and laughter.

The Norhian festival  _was_ really fun. All of the chattering people and the laughing children running through the streets filled him with happiness for once. He joined in the festivities, singing and laughing along with the others.

_Come on,_  
_Walk, walk, come over here,  
_ _Clap your hands and walk, rattatta_

The energy of the festival was reflected in his violet eyes. But his smile froze and his blood ran cold when he saw a family nearby. The son, he assumed, was giggling as he was tossed in the air as was caught by strong arms. The family of three was basking in life, without a care in the world.

His smile evaporated like fog on a sunny day.

_That's enough, I'm tired, go away,  
_ _Today, too, I'm a bad child, an unwanted child._

He slipped back into his room, drawing the thread-bare, moth-eaten sheet to his shoulders, trying to preserve what little heat he had. He fell into an uneasy sleep, the happy family's laughter echoing in his dreams, taunting him with something that he would never have.

_I dreamed of rich colors,_  
_But when I woke up, all I see are my two black hands._  
_Only I'm being torn apart,  
_ _That voice sounds so happy as it sings._

When he woke up, he was in an unfamiliar setting. As he slowly became more alert, he realized that he was laying on the doorstep of the Northern Fortress. As he reached to knock on the door, the door opened, startling the boy and making him flinch in expectancy of a blow to the head. The maid looked at him strangely, but nevertheless, lead him into a washroom and handed him a new set of clothes. He got the message.

When he was finished, he was immediately led to the other servant's quarters. His heart sank a little as he realized that he was forced to to the same thing that he was doing for all of his early life. As he worked, he met the current resident of this fortress that he was to serve. He recognized that his master's energy and happiness was reflected back to the festival child last night.

_Come on,_  
_Tonight, tonight, at that place,_  
_Everyone, let's go, hurry! Rattatta_  
_That's good, that's great, if you feel envious  
_ _A carefree child dances happily, unknowing._

He was told that he couldn't do anything properly. He was constantly reminded of his life before being dumped here. The chores, the staff, everything. It was like he was still trapped.

Being trained by Gunter didn't make matters any better, either. It just painted a target on his back for more comments. He skimmed through his work so that he wasn't around the other servants, even though it would make him have to do it all over again later that day. During mealtime, he faked eating; he wasn't that hungry anyways. It would usually end up in the bin, without so much as a spoonful missing.

Despite being constantly mistreated by the staff, the master always wanted to talk to him for some reason. He didn't understand it. He was glad that he was lucky enough to dodge most questions, but one day, that luck ran out.

_One, two, three, four, let's play a game of hide-and-seek.  
_ _Hiro-kun, Haru-chan, I found you._

"Joker, what's wrong?" They asked. They received no response other than a turn of Joker's head and nearly being hit with his braided ponytail.

"Hey, Joker, answer me! why are you so sad all the time?"

_Out of breath, we play a game of tag,  
_ _And I was caught by you._

"I-I'm not sad!"  _Yes, I am._ Joker hesitated before adding, "Master Kamui." He was painfully aware that the staff was watching him. They were eager to see him fail.

"I'm only thinking about my past, Master Kamui. There really is no reason to worry about me."

"O-oh. I just..." Joker scuffed the toe of his boot guiltily at the hurt look they had plastered on their face.

"Excuse me," Joker mumbled, and he left Kamui's side, only to be confronted by some of the other servants. All of their words blended together except for the one sentence that stood out. The one that cut the most deep into his already depressed mind.

_"He's so useless, always creating more work for us. He should just go and die."_

Joker's mind unwillingly flashed back to his mother's words all those months ago.

_"You useless child. You're just an accident that no one cares about. Go and drown yourself, if you truly wish to be useful."_

He nodded mutely, the echoes of all of that torture still in his head. He now knew what he had to do. He barely registered the words that the senior maid told him to do.

_Come on,_  
_Walk, walk, come over here,_  
_Clap your hands and walk, rattatta_  
_Talking a trembling step forward,  
_ _Alone I say "bye-bye"._

His task was to clean every surface so much so that it would shine even in the dark. He trudged down to the river, the bucket that he took dragging behind him with a soft grating sound on the dirt. He waded, knee-deep, in the flowing river as he stared at his reflection. He had dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep caused by all of the nightmares. His skin was pale, paler than normal. His frame was emaciated, and his cheeks were hollow from the lack of food. With the traitorous whispers ringing in his ears, he dove forward into the water, tears streaming out of his dull, purple eyes.

_'I will end my miserable life once and for all.'_

The master heard the splash and saw the distinctive white hair in a braided ponytail dive into the water. Joker didn't resurface.

"Joker!" They dashed outside to the river, knocking their siblings and servants alike down in their haste to the riverbank.

Joker vaguely heard someone call his name. He breathed in water and soon, his body started to writhe, trying and failing to expel the blue liquid from his lungs. He saw a pair of red eyes before everything dimmed and went black.

_Hey,_  
_Love, love, come over here,_  
_With open hands, I touch it- ouch!_  
_Is it all right? Is it fine? I open my eyes.  
_ _Today and even tomorrow, let's all play together._

Joker felt himself being lifted, and he saw a bright flash of light. Blearily, he opened his eyes and saw them bending over him worriedly.

_I'm in the infirmary..._

"Joker!  _Joker!_ " They called. He shifted his gaze to his distraught master.

"M-Master," he croaked.

"Don't ever do that again!" They wailed. "I don't wanna lose you!" They embraced Joker's limp form, burying their head in the crook of his neck. The young butler-in-training's eyes widened before closing. He wept then. He finally believed that he belonged somewhere. He would devote himself for the debt that he could never repay.

_"Thank you." He whispered._

**Author's Note:**

> This... is so old.
> 
> This is *so old*.
> 
> My first FE fanfic and I'm posting it here with very minimal edits :')


End file.
